The Conscious Parent by Shefali Tsabary

Author:Shefali Tsabary
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Joosr Ltd

Conscious parenting is not permissive parenting: we play a vital role in shaping our children’s behavior

When your child makes a mistake, they need to know that they are still loved and that they are not inherently “bad.” Parenting through fear or shame shuts off your child’s connection to you and does not let them learn from the experience.

Consider this: You come downstairs one day and find the kitchen strewn with breakfast cereal and spilt milk. Your child is sitting at the table with a huge beam on their face. Like so many others in your situation, your response is to immediately launch into a tirade of anger. But what you fail to realize is that your child tried to help you out by fixing their own breakfast that morning and had felt proud of themselves for doing so.

If we pause and reflect, we are more likely to see our child’s good intentions and so react with more consideration. Again, the pause is crucial: it allows us to remember that our reactions are usually a reflection on us, rather than our child. Honoring our child’s true nature means being mindful of the fact that they will do things differently to how we might want them to, and this does not mean that their way is any less worthwhile.

Sometimes, though, a child who acts out is calling for you to offer boundaries and containment. Most children who repeatedly exasperate their parents to the point of anger are actually asking for more sufficient boundaries. A child who continually pulls her brother’s hair needs to be treated firmly and consistently, with swift action the first time it happens—not from a place of judgment, but with a matter-of-fact “We don’t hurt others, you’ll have to sit next to me for the next five minutes.” You could then simply sit quietly with them, and afterwards ask them how they can make amends with their sibling.

Responding consistently each time reinforces the boundary, giving the child a sense of anchoring, both physically and emotionally. Later you can look at the reason behind the behavior and work on that (perhaps, for example, they feel that the brother gets more attention than them). Your calm response will have the added advantage of making your child more receptive to a conversation about balancing their own will with the needs of others, preparing them for harmonious relationships throughout their lives.

Conscious parenting requires that we remove the emotion from shaping our child’s behavior, instead looking at the reason they act a certain way. If needs be, we can then act swiftly and firmly to stop the behavior, and prevent it from happening in the future.

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